Flaw

 

I found the following video on one of my Whatsapp feeds. Its message is basically to speak up on behalf of Jews because if you don't, the bad guys will come for you next. 

The problem I'm having with this is that the message they are going for is a no-brainer. You should show up for people who are crying out for help. And just in case you're not a nice enough person to do that, here's a warning that if you don't, you're in danger yourself. 

But that message is not going to make the difference between Jews feeling seen and heard by their friends and not. 

There are essentially two groups of people I want to consider right now as being threats to my safety. 

The first is obvious. I don't need to convince anyone that terrorists of any kind committing violence against a Jew or Jewish community is a threat. Doesn't matter if they are Islamist or white supremacist. Anyone whom I would hope to influence would know that easily.

What gives me chills is something else entirely. There have been enough dangerous ideas and slogans repeated that they have begun to be accepted as mainstream. I no longer know what my own friends believe and how that belief colors our relationship. The video above assumes that our friends know what the bullies look like. It doesn't know that sometimes our own friends say things that set off huge alarms. 

So the second group is the everyday good people around me, friends and strangers alike, whom I don't know if I can trust. 

One friend of mine posted excitedly on Facebook when a candidate she supported was elected. I wrote to her privately and told her I knew she was well-intentioned and that I could understand her support for many of his policies, but that I wanted her to know that he was a volatile candidate for the Jewish community. I asked if we could talk about it. She said she didn't have time to talk but that she would read an article. I sent it to her and then there was silence. I followed up eventually and said I felt anxious because she hadn't responded. Still nothing.

Another friend reached out to me at one point, but couldn't just ask how I was doing. She had to tell me how much sympathy she had for both Israeli and Palestinian people. She couldn't just ask how I was. She didn't think to ask me what I might know about the conflict. Didn't seem to be curious how her statement landed on me. I tried to have a conversation with her about this, but I felt I had to prove what I did and didn't believe and I don't want to have to do that. 

Another friend of mine told me she supports me as a friend and as a Jew and then added in all the usual disclaimers that she doesn't agree with all of Israel's policies. This, again, is a signal that I may need to pass a purity test to prove I'm a good Jew. 

She also said the word genocide. I don't know which genocide she is referring to. She might mean the history of repeated genocidal intent against Jews all over the world over many eras. She might mean something about the Israel-Palestine conflict. I don't really want to have to have a conversation that explains the reason that is an unproductive word for us that carries some very volatile baggage. If she's interested in understanding why I feel this way, I have resources to share and a lot to say. This topic is extremely important to me and I know a lot about it and it matters. If I felt comfortable in a conversation, I might tell her what I know, but that would mean I'd have to spend a lot of time proving my credibility and that I'm not justifying other people's suffering. That's why this media campaign that I'm referencing works so well. It means I get very little wiggle room before I find myself on the defensive to prove that these views are not self-serving. 

And I don't like having to spend time with friends this way. 

So now I'm cautious, mistrustful. I don't easily join a group of people, even those I've known for decades, without wondering whether it's safe. I don't hope for allies to defend me because I don't know that they know what the dangers are. 

This leaves me feeling very isolated at times.

It's one of the reasons for this blog. Maybe there's a potential ally out there who really wants to listen without judgment to what frightens me and why. Maybe they could even stand with me.